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The story is written retrospectively from August 15th 2019 towards today . I’m adding the content as times allows and in the most accurate way trying to be as much objective I can. Please came back and read as the story develops…

October, 2022. I made a strong promise to conclude the story before end of the year. Went for old notes and scrolled the messages 3 years back.

The site has over 3000 visitors each week now, so you guys deserve the end.

The blog is presented in chronological way with old posts at the beginning and newer posts at the end. Just read it as a book.You can find all the post in chronological order in the upper menu in the sections POSTS.

Some of posts are commented by Cherie, and you can see it at the post title. Her comments shows the events from her perspective, which shall made the story complete.

Me and my friend Mike, were just returning from a restaurant, walking on the street towards our hotel. I spotted a girl coming out from a side street, or actually a backyard, in a beautiful way of stepping with high heels on. With one blink of the eye I saw her on the left side. She merged the same street behind me and Mike, walking just behind. I started to slow down and finally stopped at restaurant to pretend to read the menu. Still remember it, with 2 lbs porter steak on the top of the list. By this maneuver i was able to,shorten the distance to her in order to bypass us. Suddenly she stopped, and at the same spot went towards her small blue car. Just when she opened the door, I could see her in a full pose wit a trench on and long.dark hair. Even Mike, who is pretty immune to anybody else than hot tall blonds, was admiring her.
In my own way, braking the shyness of myself I approached her and asked few questions. The most important was “Are you single?”. I had bad experience getting into relations with taken women and their issues, so this question was pretty crucial. With hesitation and a smile she replied “No, I’m free”. We exchanged the phone numbers and went our own way, me and Mike walking towards the hotel, she in her blue car, the other way.
Just when i arrived to my hotel I already seen few messages arriving. I took a glass of scotch and started flirting with her. I had an impression that we got connected very quick, changing the subject from general talk to more subtle area. After a while she wanted to connect on the video call? So we did. She was there standing in her rooms cleaning make up brushes. In the light, I could see her beautiful face which I just got a glimpse of at the street we met. She really looked good. After an hour or so we said goodbye, but made a plan for a date at sushi place we both knew on Saturday. By the end of the day, a new perspective has risen. A chance for new relation?

I arrived to the sushi place just short of 1pm, the time we scheduled. She got there just few minutes later. Looking even greater then two days before. We ordered the food and started to talk. She told me about her story, being in another country for fee years and moving here to the city in February. She explained her relation with ex boyfriend, whom she was dating for a year on a commuting bases just cross the border. Somehow the relation failed, as when she arrived here, after being back home to Asia for few weeks. She said, she found the guy already with another girlfriend by that time. I could feel she was not in the best shape, but somehow after few months after he dumped her, she should be at least fine. At that time no danger spotted.

During our conversation I explained her my Apple Theory, my simple way of personal balance, a modified, accommodated version of the great Four Burners Theory. I used some small plate and toothpicks to explain the relations between the four life values, adding, shrinking, taking out of equation few of them. She was looking at this shuffling like kid at the candy store front window. I believe she like it. Indeed, few months later she admitted, that she was grabbed by this theory, and that moment was a starting point for her to get interest in me. She talked much, but at the time of explaining the theory, she was quiet. I summarized the meeting by removing the few friends she has and the job she didn’t like to leave just two burners, herself and me, commenting it by the words “You don’t have so many friends here, so we take them out, somehow you don’t like the job, so as you can see it gonna be only you and me here”. She was laughing.

After the sushi, she proposed a visit to a Starbucks at beautiful location at the sea. She used to go by herself. We ordered some coffee in the porcelain cups and started to talks how we fit. We looked at some serious horoscopes, just to trying find connections.

Somehow the horoscope was not favorable to us. Not much connected us. Not much to grab on. Anyway it’s just a stupid horoscope, isn’t it? Once again, lot of laugh, lot of compassion. Just to summarize, “great relation, sex and communication 100%, trust 0%, sic!”

Few months later, it proves, the trust issue is there as an demon surrounding the relationship. We went home early that day, but talked once again on the phone at the evening.

Cancer and Sagittarius – Compatibility in Sex, Love and Life

For last two days we were talking about different aspects of our life’s, families, achievements and previous relation. We touched the subject of sexual attraction and commitment. Cherie at few occasions stated clearly she is looking for THE ONE and didn’t want to spend her time for games.

Black toenail polish is my inspiration right now ...

In general, in this city of sin, lot of people got hurt, being dumped or cheated. Relations became vague and week. So somewhere in the middle of everything there she was, fragile, but still open for new challenges and desires.

We talked all kind of stuff, what we like, what we dislike, like ordinary people do, when they start to date. It come to discussion about fetishes and sexual games. I started do discover that she wasn’t the ordinary girl from around the corner. She was open minded and very straight forward, the kind of woman some men would run from as being to much possessive to men’s ego.

We met for dinner, went to our favorite oriental restaurant, and had some good talk. I asked if she want’s to visit my place. By that time i still was living in a hotel, planning to move to an apartment at some later point. She was little embarrassed about the idea to visit a hotel room, but somehow we passed by the reception desk unattended. Anyway it was a step towards more intimate and private way of conversation in a quiet place with no people around. We talked for few hours, having drink or two and we started to get closer, a mean closer to each other. From couch we moved to bed and the rest you can imagine. After our love making adventure she felt in sleep, waking few hours later. We did it again. She insisted to sleep home, so we walked to her place. She was kind of confused. I heard few times “We shouldn’t do it”, “I wasn’t ready” and “Why did you rush things?” That night, a beautiful hot night it did not rang the bell.

The following day, she was full of guilt, Our meeting didn’t look the same as the one day before. Obviously, the hot night in my bed put some constraints in her behavior, kind of withdrawal, kind of emotional guilt. She repeated the same words about rushing and not being ready. That day I couldn’t reach to her. I felt our relation went backwards. In no way, was she able nor ready to talk about her feelings and guilt in her. 

Lot of thoughts crossed my mind, but I did not have any answers. Maybe things went to quick and she was not ready for involving in sexual relation yet. Indeed she repeated few times earlier, not to rush and that life is not always about sex She also mention something about Mr Right. Hmmm, maybe i wasn’t Mr Right after all. Yet.

In the past few days our message exchange started to cool down. We became apart from each other. Not much happened, but she indicated that Sir John, the boss of the company she worked in, is about to lay-off some staff. She was among. Pitty bad experience to face, especially that she was also using the company car. We discussed here whereabouts to how to proceed after her job ceases.

Cherie was somehow happy about moving forward, being more independent and maybe to start something new on her own. Anyway, i had the feeling that things are not right. Something changed pretty drastically after that night few days ago. I was not sure if she need time or she has another thoughts. She came even with idea to move back to home country. Additionally she had second thoughts about our relation. All this made her stressed and she was full of mixed feelings at that time. I tried to uphold the conversation and to cheer her up. All in vain, she was fading away.

“Good Morning.

There is a deep reason behind why I cant commit with the relationship. You dont know me and there are a lot of things you still dont know about me. And I am really “AFRAID” bcoz I have been traumatized of the feeling that after using me, Dumping me like a shit after. I am someone who take relationship seriously and once i am in there that’s it.

A lot of secrets you dont know still, and I am willing to open myself to you but I am scared that you might dump as well like what others did. When I told you to take it slow, its bcoz I want you to get to know me, and dig deep my darkest secrets and What I want to see from you is your willingness to accept me and my past.

I cant commit in the relation when I am not fully 100% open to you. And the process of opening myself is like a remembering/recalling the nightmares and bad experiences that I had from the past. Its not easy to recall something that damage you from the beginning… and who I am today is still a damage person bcoz I always met people whom I trusted to help me get through it, they will stay from the start but will eventually dump me when they know how damage I am.

Commit now, and dump me on the process. So Im more cautious this time, bcoz heartbreaks is damaging me even more. Its not only about finances… after few relationship from the past….this is about something in my head that traumatized me and That I need to guard my heart this time. I trust so easily for that reason people took advantage of me…. telling me there promises but will dump me later after using me for sex.

What you have known about me is not just 50% of myself. If I will tell you more, I dont know if you still want me after. Take it slow, Its not easy opening your darkpast to someone.”

In addition to all the issues raised up last two days, more ware to come. Seems Cherie became Mrs Broke, in addition to Mrs Broken. Seems her financial position became unstable, with an unemployment at the horizon. Debts for credit cards, outstanding loan, all from the good times prior Oak Man. A real disaster. Thousands of dollars.

“I am fucked up. And This is what I need you to understand… Call me a high class hooker or what ever you name it… I have a daughter to feed back home… I cant go home empty handed either…. And I dont know how long I will not have job and I have financial issues… I needed to survive”

Cherie started to collapse in my eyes, she became moody, angry, disappointed, guilty and she tried to push me away despite the reached hand towards her. I was helpless and hopeless. Couldn’t do anything, just watched her fighting with emotions and destiny.

With each day I started to see her fall down and her resignation. I did not understand why things are like that, why she was heading towards self destruction. That day, which I realized far later, she was escaping, backing off, exiting or running away from relation as an remedy for the issues. It was a sad day, but somehow fight for her must go on.

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