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Step Backwards
The following day, she was full of guilt, Our meeting didn’t look the same as the one day before. Obviously, the hot night in my bed put some constraints in her behavior, kind of withdrawal, kind of emotional guilt. She repeated the same words about rushing and not being ready. That day I couldn’t reach to her. I felt our relation went backwards. In no way, was she able nor ready to talk about her feelings and guilt in her. 

Lot of thoughts crossed my mind, but I did not have any answers. Maybe things went to quick and she was not ready for involving in sexual relation yet. Indeed she repeated few times earlier, not to rush and that life is not always about sex She also mention something about Mr Right. Hmmm, maybe i wasn’t Mr Right after all. Yet.

In the past few days our message exchange started to cool down. We became apart from each other. Not much happened, but she indicated that Sir John, the boss of the company she worked in, is about to lay-off some staff. She was among. Pitty bad experience to face, especially that she was also using the company car. We discussed here whereabouts to how to proceed after her job ceases.

Cherie was somehow happy about moving forward, being more independent and maybe to start something new on her own. Anyway, i had the feeling that things are not right. Something changed pretty drastically after that night few days ago. I was not sure if she need time or she has another thoughts. She came even with idea to move back to home country. Additionally she had second thoughts about our relation. All this made her stressed and she was full of mixed feelings at that time. I tried to uphold the conversation and to cheer her up. All in vain, she was fading away.

“Good Morning.

There is a deep reason behind why I cant commit with the relationship. You dont know me and there are a lot of things you still dont know about me. And I am really “AFRAID” bcoz I have been traumatized of the feeling that after using me, Dumping me like a shit after. I am someone who take relationship seriously and once i am in there that’s it.

A lot of secrets you dont know still, and I am willing to open myself to you but I am scared that you might dump as well like what others did. When I told you to take it slow, its bcoz I want you to get to know me, and dig deep my darkest secrets and What I want to see from you is your willingness to accept me and my past.

I cant commit in the relation when I am not fully 100% open to you. And the process of opening myself is like a remembering/recalling the nightmares and bad experiences that I had from the past. Its not easy to recall something that damage you from the beginning… and who I am today is still a damage person bcoz I always met people whom I trusted to help me get through it, they will stay from the start but will eventually dump me when they know how damage I am.

Commit now, and dump me on the process. So Im more cautious this time, bcoz heartbreaks is damaging me even more. Its not only about finances… after few relationship from the past….this is about something in my head that traumatized me and That I need to guard my heart this time. I trust so easily for that reason people took advantage of me…. telling me there promises but will dump me later after using me for sex.

What you have known about me is not just 50% of myself. If I will tell you more, I dont know if you still want me after. Take it slow, Its not easy opening your darkpast to someone.”

In addition to all the issues raised up last two days, more ware to come. Seems Cherie became Mrs Broke, in addition to Mrs Broken. Seems her financial position became unstable, with an unemployment at the horizon. Debts for credit cards, outstanding loan, all from the good times prior Oak Man. A real disaster. Thousands of dollars.

“I am fucked up. And This is what I need you to understand… Call me a high class hooker or what ever you name it… I have a daughter to feed back home… I cant go home empty handed either…. And I dont know how long I will not have job and I have financial issues… I needed to survive”

Cherie started to collapse in my eyes, she became moody, angry, disappointed, guilty and she tried to push me away despite the reached hand towards her. I was helpless and hopeless. Couldn’t do anything, just watched her fighting with emotions and destiny.

With each day I started to see her fall down and her resignation. I did not understand why things are like that, why she was heading towards self destruction. That day, which I realized far later, she was escaping, backing off, exiting or running away from relation as an remedy for the issues. It was a sad day, but somehow fight for her must go on.

That Wednesday evening we met at a restaurant in the mall. We ordered some steaks and at some point she started to explain. As more she talked, the more confused I was. As more she talked, I started to loose hope. In an basically uninterrupted monologue she told me the story of Giuseppe. This was the first time his name popped up, the name of character that shaped and influenced our life for next few months.

On the day we met, August 15th, she said she was dumped by Giuseppe after having month long relation. She was somehow into that relation, which obviously had its own up and downs, but at that particular day, she was dumped by him in a ridiculous text message exchange. In a (un)passionate way Giuseppe let her go. So still with one foot in the door frame, the beautiful lady I met that evening on the street, was theoretically free, not taken any more. As Cherie admitted, she was just dumped and had no issue to talk with a stranger that day. However during those two weeks we started to meet, she got back to him via back channels. In his faith Giuseppe broke his leg, while visiting Italy and was very anxious to get back to the city, to ask for forgiveness and to propose to her. To my astonishment, I couldn’t believe that a guy knowing a woman for a month is going to propose and bring an engagement ring! I tried to explain it to her, that this is not a fairy tale, but a flesh and bone life, and nobody brings nowadays rings after knowing somebody for few weeks and dumping her there between. She didn’t listen.

“He needed me now… he has broken leg…And I already promise I will be around till he will be healed completely. ???
I am cancer and this is already my nature… to be there when someone needed me even though I know people around is taking advantage of me.
I dont even know how serious he was with his proposal.. or maybe he just told me that to keep me for a while bcoz he is injured ?”

In his words he insisted to came back with a broken leg and i her guilt she accepted to take care of him. She said that she made a promise and in her culture she has to keep that promise. I tried to divert her from that idea, telling her, that Giuseppe is only playing her for his own agenda and blurry vision of the relation. She didn’t listen.

I asked about myself, why those two weeks we met had no influence on her life, she said “My mind choose Giuseppe, my heart choose you. But i follow my mind”

With those words we separated. i went back to my own Alamo in the hotel and send her a picture of my face in tears. Tears were there all the night and following days. My hope for a relation with an extraordinary woman failed in a classic way. There is always somebody else. That evening we exchnage some more message with my conclusion, as a dedicated message to her “Follow the Heart, Mind will follow the Heart and I take care of both”

Sunday didn’t start well, neither ended well. She sent me a short “hello” at 6.30am following a long silence till lunch time. Still suffering from migraine, she said she can’t get out of the bed. She said that she is depressed she tries to isolate herself from anyone. She also said she is dealing with the bank issues. All this added to her stress.

Wait a moment, something didn’t add up here. Just yesterday she dropped Giuseppe or the other way, being very positive to rebuild our relation, and today she wakes up with guilt, anxiety, depression and stress. I had bad feelings. To big change in her behavior from yesterday.

At the evening it became even worse. She started to blame herself for all wrongdoing, fucking up me and him. She came to conclusion she is mentally ill and she is not able to have any kind of relation. As the conversation arise, the more I got confused, sad and angry. Once again, we are in the same pattern. Looking for reunion at the horizon and going steps back with her inability to actually kick into that relation. At the end of the day I was fed up and in a resignation, I blocked her with a goodbye message. I simply couldn’t take up more of this roller coaster mood changes, hurt feelings and waiting. I had to let her go, and so I did… Well…

On the 10th day of our relations reborn, we woke up in the morning and as previous days we started to talk before breakfast. I had a still one secret left to talk about, although for me situation was very clear, time showed that this piece of information will have huge influence on our relation in the coming months. That day we were very happy, relation was blooming and I could really feel Cherie is engaged and we were connected. A really good morning.

So, I believed that after those days spend in harmony I need to get out of my mind something that was bothering me for some time now. So, I told her the story of Banana. Banana was my girlfriend back home, or rather say, a fading relation, or even no relation. I was with her for some three years and as she was also foreigner I helped her to get to my country, put her for studies at the University and moved with her into my house. The relation was good at the beginning, but after some time we were living parallel to each other with decaying sex relation and in general different view over the world. I had impression that sometimes I have to take care of another child, as she was not self sustained and needed lot of attention. At the time I met Cherie, I didn’t feel love with Banana, and moving to Sin City made me even happy to help the relation to dissolve. However when Banana was still into the relation, I was not. Meeting Cherie speeded up the process, but not in a hasty way.

That day I made a crucial mistake to tell Cherie about Banana. My intention was somehow to protect Cherie from gossip or from knowing about Banana accidentally from third party friends. I thought that she will appreciate the true and my honest way of telling her about Banana. I wanted to clean my conscious, and continue further. I expected her to understand this and continue as well.

Already this morning I realized that she didn’t swallow that piece of information, and like a bone it stuck in her throat. She became different. She even tried to call the lady boss, who offered her the job to tell her about changing her mind, willing to take the job. She started to do some irrational moves and as time shows that led to further disasters. Banana was like etched in her brain, and from the perspective I could just keep quiet about Banana and on my own dissolve the relation with her. Telling Cherie the true was a fatal mistake.

After landing in my hometown Cherie came with few messages regarding bank calling for the rest of the loan. As we paid half of it they still wanted have the rest. They even came with pretty good proposal of repaying full amount in 10 instalments or pay at once 75% of the amount to clear it once forever. I told her to ask them for a week hold until I get back and we discuss all the options. The second issue was the future gonna be lady boss who Cherie initially put on hold regarding the job. She tried to confirm her new proposal and accept the job, but she was not answering the phone. Cherie felt abandoned and felt she lost her chance for the position. Not sure if she really wanted the job, but not getting it put her down. The third issue was Sir John, wanting to have his car back, the blue car Cherie used for travel around the city. He was still pissed off for the fact Cherie left and still she was not sure if he is not gonna to cancel her visa.

The following day i had lot of issues in my main office back in hometown. So time went quick and Cherie got some flu and started to loose her voice. She sounded very bad when I talked to her over the phone. She even went to hospital get her injection. The main subject however were the preparations for pageant contest involving some dress creation and similar issues. However that evening she was going for some birthday party to her gay friend and she would be there during that evening. I didn’t know that guy, but just heard of him, being some kind of gay friend to Giuseppe.

At the day of the pageant she remained me the contest is today, but still she has issues with her voice. We briefly talked and she send me some pictures from rehearsals. The contest supposed to start in evening but since the last picture she sent me around 3.30PM she went silent. I tried to call her, text her all the evening and WhatsApp said she was last seen online at 7.28PM. I started to be worry, especially as I was to travel back to SinCity following morning. I tried to reach her until midnight than i felt asleep, just wake three hours later to text her again. Still no response. I was really worried. The old days of “you spend days with me and nights with him” started to flash up again. Did something happen or did she walk away again? No answers as the down started this morning.

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