My second mistake
So, I believed that after those days spend in harmony I need to get out of my mind something that was bothering me for some time now. So, I told her the story of Banana. Banana was my girlfriend back home, or rather say, a fading relation, or even no relation. I was with her for some three years and as she was also foreigner I helped her to get to my country, put her for studies at the University and moved with her into my house. The relation was good at the beginning, but after some time we were living parallel to each other with decaying sex relation and in general different view over the world. I had impression that sometimes I have to take care of another child, as she was not self sustained and needed lot of attention. At the time I met Cherie, I didn’t feel love with Banana, and moving to Sin City made me even happy to help the relation to dissolve. However when Banana was still into the relation, I was not. Meeting Cherie speeded up the process, but not in a hasty way.
That day I made a crucial mistake to tell Cherie about Banana. My intention was somehow to protect Cherie from gossip or from knowing about Banana accidentally from third party friends. I thought that she will appreciate the true and my honest way of telling her about Banana. I wanted to clean my conscious, and continue further. I expected her to understand this and continue as well.
Already this morning I realized that she didn’t swallow that piece of information, and like a bone it stuck in her throat. She became different. She even tried to call the lady boss, who offered her the job to tell her about changing her mind, willing to take the job. She started to do some irrational moves and as time shows that led to further disasters. Banana was like etched in her brain, and from the perspective I could just keep quiet about Banana and on my own dissolve the relation with her. Telling Cherie the true was a fatal mistake.
As the days passed by, I become more calm and relax, less stressed I should say. Slowly I develop the bond with Mr. Grey as I started to get to know him.He is the same guy I’ve met since the first day. He is someone who loves to talk, who loves to share stories, who loves to give advices, and someone who loves to listen my shared thoughts and stories. I really enjoyed spending my time with him, Talking all night till the break of dawn.
Time being spent, going out dinner, watch movies, go to clubs, spend time with friends. Everything looks so perfect. I started to get to know Mr. Grey, the more time I spent with him, the more I saw how good person he really is. He has a very strong personality outside but later on I discover that he has also a soft and sensitive heart. That made me want him more and be there to take care of his vulnerable heart. I trusted him like no any other, he become my best-friend whom I can open myself and talk everything without any boundaries.
It used to be just “I like him” but as soon as we live together becomes “I want him” I want to keep him, I want to him to be mine.
Despite of the relationship failures I had in the past, And the trust issues I have with men, Im scared to trust again, but though I am afraid, I’m willing to give another shot, to love and to trust again, with the hope Mr.Grey will be my Mr.Right.
Later that night, He told me that he is travelling to Europe in the next few days. As soon as he arrived from the hotel, he approached me in the bed. He started talking, asking about how’s my day. I can sense that he is about to tell me something, I’m about to worry! But I showed him that I’m willing to listen the way he listens to mine.
“I have to tell you something Cherie, I had a woman with me back home, I’m with here since the last 3 years or more, and She’s living in my home in Europe. But I would say that the relationship with her is fading or no longer there over a year or so”
When I heard him saying that he had a woman aside from me, I was devastated.
All the bad thoughts I had from my previous relationship flash back in my memory, those bad experiences of my ex-partners who’s been cheating on me and what’s the difference of my relationship with Mr. Grey? Is it the same?
He had me, fight for me, to win me over from Giuseppe. But why? Why he didn’t tell me this from the first time we met? I felt being cheated already from the start. I was open book with my life and stories, and I thought he was the same with me. But he’s not. What made him hide this from me?
I don’t get the point of fighting for me, fighting to have a relationship with me, but hiding something from my back. And sad to say, but I become the reason of one relationship to collapse because I came in the story.
I always put myself in the shoe of the other person and how they will feel. Again, I blame myself for I am the cause of someone’s relationship to fall. I hate the fact that I’m falling in love with someone who is still in relationship with another woman. I can’t convince myself, to make me believe that there was no relationship with them anymore as what he implies, but because they are still exchanging messages such as “I love You” and I was already living with him for sometime. How I will convince myself to believe of what he is saying now?
I felt being betrayed once again, I felt being cheated! Despite of his honesty to tell me about her. But I just couldn’t accept it why just now? Why? I was in the period of trusting him that he is different from previous partners but somehow he destroyed my trust as well.
I was at my peak of my deepest emotions, I was ready to give him my commitment and build a long lasting relationship but all of the sudden, all these dream in my head I created, a life with Mr. Grey collapsed after he told me about his “Banana”. I started to doubt his real intentions with me. Somehow, He has a relationship back home, so for what I am here? for what he need me when he has a woman who’s living with him permanently in his house. I don’t know where this relationship lead us, I don’t want to live everyday with a shadow of her in my head. I’m territorial, what is mine is mine, but now? I don’t know if he is really mine.
The thoughts in my head? I get it! I’m just temporary, someone he has to keep to fulfil his needs while he is away from home and away from her. I reserved that deepest feelings and emotions I have felt for him. Since that day I knew about Banana, I withdraw myself, I don’t want my feelings to develop further. I had to protect myself, I’m not ready for another heart break.
[…] My second mistake […]