The following days ware pretty mellow, we were still trying to get to know each other closer and respond to our needs. We started to discover our commonalities and differences. As in life like in the bed. Tried to explore our limits and pleasure each other. The time was pretty great, although Banana was there around in Cherie’s mind. One day we went for a walk and were seating around the water on a stone and once again she wanted to know how I feel about Banana and how I aim to handle it. I was soon going back home and for sure i gonna meet her and stay in my house where Banana also stayed. For me the picture was very clear as the intentions. I wanted to cool down the relation and gradually phase Banana out of my life. In my own way. The problem was that Cherie wanted to rush things, she wanted me to be more firm and get her away from the picture. I knew that this would be devastating for Banana as she was much dependent of me and with only small job back home. I wanted to focus on her to get a new job and maybe consider to move out. On the other hand she stayed in the house and somehow she kept an eye on it, especially before coming winter it was a good idea to have a inhabitant in the house. So my plan was very simple and least harsh to Banana. I knew she still had feelings, but not sure how strong. Somebody of my fellow friends told me that they saw Banana with some guy at some outdoor party in my hometown. I wouldn’t expect Banana to cheat, but after being alone for some time it was possible she was looking for some friendship or new relation. Anyway, I named all this to Cherie, as I wanted to be very fair with her and the mini plan i had for Banana. She was confused, but i had impression she understood.
Around next day, she showed me a poster of the soon starting pageant contest she wanted to attend. As she is much into make up, fashion and lifestyle in general, it would be good idea to attend. I was little bit confused, as she was pretty “old” for that, but obviously this contest was directed more for older ladies than teenagers. After all, why not lets her try. She spend few days on the preparations and some organizer meetings and casting. She was qualified and then she went for some photo shutting session, which showed her in different lights, looking really great.
The lady boss called her and offered a better salary from the original offer. Cherie sent me a text saying that she wants to take the job after reconsideration and I shall be proud of her. I understood that it had to do with Banana and Cherie’s self confidence and independence. After all she didn’t want to be housewife and have an occupation. Somehow taking the job would make our relationship more difficult, as we would have less time for each other due to her duties and my irregular work time.
After few days of relative calm period and preparations for the contest, I was to head back to my hometown for a few days. I believe I left her with a good mood and involved with the pageant setup. My flight departed early morning and I arrived mid day. This was our first separation since day zero.
As I started to withdraw myself from Mr. Grey, neglecting the feelings and emotions and just focus with myself. I have these thoughts running from my head. “I am just a temporary partner” “I was just an option of a decaying relationship”. I didn’t want to think about it, I’m fighting with my thoughts all the time, as soon as this thoughts running from my head I started to become sad, and felt uncomfortable every single day.
My mind tells me that “I’m just temporary” my heart wants to believe that “I have a future with him”, But every time Banana gets into my head, I am lost, discourage and unmotivated to move forward.
“He was not mine, And will never be mine” How you can fight for someone when he was not yours from the beginning.
I became paranoid, I am sad, I cried most of the time. I don’t know If I can keep going with the relationship with him. Somehow, with my past experiences being cheated over someone else, I understand how Banana would feel if she finds out that her Bf, Mr. Grey is now living with someone else. I’ve been through the same emotional roller coaster and I don’t want to be the reason of her suffering.
It’s really hard to fight everyday with the thoughts in my head running. As I started to doubt his intentions with me, and I started to feel that I’m just an option, I slowly withdraw my feelings for him, I started not to show care like I used to before the last 10 days. Somehow, I diverted my attention of getting the job offer I had few days back.
I made a really great impression during my interview for the position of Personal Assistant and she likes me a lot that she wanted me to start as soon as I can. This was the time as well when Mr. Grey and I just started to strengthened our relationship and getting a job is not the best idea, so I was hesitating to accept the job offer that time.
But when Banana came to the story, I changed my mind. So, I contacted my supposed to be boss telling her that I’m accepting the job. I have to get the job no matter what. I was on the phone with her and having a discussion, somehow part of the conversation with her when she asked why I was hesitating, she was waiting for me to get back to her but It took me days to call back. It was a mistake, I told her that I was having difficulty to convince my Bf to accept the job as the offer was not that much, and as the call ended, she told me the HR will contact me shortly.
His trip is approaching, I will be left alone. I can’t remove it in my head that he is going home and his Banana is waiting for his arrival. I couldn’t imagine them sleeping together for 5 nights. Despite of him saying he has no feelings for her anymore but what about her? For sure she still does, and she’s still committed to him. I’m afraid to think that they will be having sex, of course, they don’t see each other for long time, who is stupid to believe they will not sleep together. All of these in my head and I’m really exhausted. I needed a diversion, I can’t be stress like this. I’m over thinking, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, feeling so devastated. I decided to visit my favourite club, I need some friends to talk to and enjoy the band somehow. The manager of the club approached me and invited me to join the pageant, without a second thought I accepted it. At least now, I have something to keep myself busy. I get excited about it but still part of me is sad, trying not to think about what they are doing now at this moment.